Suspicion Policy
Our commitment to being suspicious. Of everything.
Suspicion Policy
Last Updated: When we last felt suspicious
At Suspicious Cloud (SUS), suspicion isn't just a feeling—it's a core operating principle. This policy outlines our commitment to maintaining healthy suspicion in all aspects of our operations.
1. What We Are Suspicious Of
We maintain active suspicion of the following:
- Uptime metrics that are too good — If something shows 100% uptime, we investigate. That's suspicious.
- Security that "just works" — Nothing just works. If it appears to, something is wrong.
- Customer satisfaction — When customers say they're satisfied, we assume they're being polite.
- Our own dashboards — Numbers can lie. We verify everything twice. Sometimes three times.
- Perfect deployments — A deployment with no issues is the most suspicious deployment of all.
- Round numbers — 47 is much more trustworthy than 50.
2. Levels of Suspicion
SUS maintains a proprietary Suspicion Scale™:
| Level | Description | Action Required |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Mildly Suspicious | Monitor closely |
| 2 | Moderately Suspicious | Investigate |
| 3 | Very Suspicious | Full audit |
| 4 | Extremely Suspicious | Panic (professionally) |
| 5 | Suspiciously Unsuspicious | This is the most concerning level |
3. Customer Suspicion Rights
As a SUS customer, you have the right to:
- Be suspicious of our services at any time
- Request proof that things are actually working
- Receive suspicious glances from our support team (they're just being thorough)
- Question why our uptime is so high
- Wonder why there are exactly 47 services
4. Our Suspicion Obligations
We commit to:
- Remaining suspicious of our own success
- Never trusting that everything is fine (even when it is)
- Investigating any metric that seems "too good"
- Questioning every perfect audit result
- Maintaining Day 47 as permanently suspicious on our status page
5. Mutual Suspicion Agreement
By using our services, you agree to maintain a healthy level of suspicion. In return, we agree to give you reasons to be suspicious by providing services that work inexplicably well.
6. Suspicion Reporting
If you notice something suspicious (or suspiciously un-suspicious), please report it to:
Email: [email protected] Subject Line: "This seems suspicious"
We take all suspicion reports seriously. We're suspicious of the ones that seem too straightforward.
7. Amendments
This policy may be amended at any time, without notice, for suspicious reasons.
"Trust, but verify. Then verify again. Then get suspicious about why verification passed twice."
— Sterling Business, CEO (Probably)